mixed emotions, what is going on? why am i so fucking into him? why can't i stop? why can't i let him go? why have i kept him wondering around my mind for so long? why am i longing & hoping for him?

good things for me NEVER last & i don't know why. what have i done wrong to be hurt like this? he was my first SERIOUS, as in long-term, relationship & he did made me truly happy once but now he's a jackass. i wish he didn't change. i wish he was the ONE thing that didn't have to turn out bad. what sucks, is i've to put up with all this drama & pain when i actually still love him with all my heart which im really really really trying not to. i know, i don't miss him. i miss the guy i thought he was, i miss the good&bad times we had, i miss that feeling i got whenever i speak to him. i REALLY don't want to love him but i do. i just want to get over him & move on but the problem is im not hating more & loving him less ever since but the other way round instead. i tried giving myself tons of reasons to get rid of this ridiculous "obsession". i just can't bring myself to regard him as everyone else. sometimes, i wonder if im under his " love spell ".

i love him. i love him so much. i hate him. i hate him. i hate him so much that i want to tear him open just like how he tore me open but i'll still love him too. * continues to untie the nervous knots in my stomach * i don't know how this can be, really, but it just is. it's just one of those things that has no explanation.

P/S: thanks ah bitch, you ruin my relationship & my life. damn you. even if you have gotten your karma, im still ain't happy with it, everything.